I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
