I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
