I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i will never coherently bang her
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
