This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
