drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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