Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
