just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
