So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
