i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
