I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
