how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You have to summon your inner elephant
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
