Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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