Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I touched a dick in church today
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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