I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Randomize
