i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
