I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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