I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
