i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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