you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
