Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
