she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
