Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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