You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
