We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
