I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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