I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
