no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
