Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
