I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
