I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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