She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
