alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
