I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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