He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
