It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
