I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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