I think my fart just growled at me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
