I hate all girls vehemently.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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