Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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