just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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