im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
