Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
