not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
