Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
