I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You made out with two different species that night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I want is dick and wine.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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