Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
