conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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