I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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