MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
