Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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