got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
