I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
